A Late Note to Father’s Day

Father’s Day.

This is a tough one to explain.  There is something about holidays that make people go absolutely batshit insane.  The first time I realized this I was working at the Rainforest Cafe about 5 or 6 years ago when this man proceeded to yell at me and tell me how incompetent of a person I was.  Working for several different service industries/restaurants, I realized that almost every family oriented holiday that arose… there was someone somewhere having the biggest fit of their life.  Easter, Mother’s Day (Especially!!), Father’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day… There are probably more but I’ve sufficiently blocked them out of my memory for now.

Around Mother’s Day I was speaking romantically with this young man who had lost his mother about 13 years prior (I found this out by speaking with family/friends who were close with him) and I was told he had seemingly not come to peaceful terms with her passing.  Having this knowledge, I pressed for details with him because I am a lot of things… but especially skilled in the art of cutting through the surface of a human’s facade.  Pressing for details touched a wound he had kept hidden for quite a while.  We would text almost 24/7.  We would make plans to see each other but after this subject was brought up, he would always fall short of coming out of his shell.  I would turn to my best friend at the time, Stacyee,  and say, “What’s up?  Why doesn’t he want to hang out?  He keeps saying he is tired, he is drained, he doesn’t feel well, it’s just not going to work out for no reason at all.”  My friend looks at me and says… “Well, Mother’s Day is coming up and you said he lost his mother.  I know that when I lost my dad and I saw Father’s Day signs or anything really… I got really sad.”  And just the day before that, Stacyee had shared with me the intense story of how she lost her father… which brought me to tears and softened my heart.

And SUDDENLY it all made sense.  SUDDENLY it was like a light clicked on inside my head.  Not necessarily about this young man I had been speaking to… but about MYSELF.  I had always held onto this anger and resentment against my father with the questions I had been asking myself my entire life… Why did he not fight for more custody for my sister and I?  Why did he move to Catalina and abandon us?  Why did he not put in the effort to talk to us?  Why did he drink so much?  Why didn’t he come see me perform in my musicals or improv shows?  Why did he yell at me when I sang in the house when my mother’s side of the family begged me to perform for them?  Why did he only talk to us when he wanted something?  Why couldn’t he just love me like a normal father should??  WHY WHY WHY WHY?!  These questions in my mind had snowballed into this ANGER and HOSTILITY that I had for my father.

But after this light clicked on inside my head I started asking myself… In what ways have I let my anger and resentment for the way my father lives his life dictate the way I live MY life?

For those of you who know… or do not know… This time, last year, my now ex-boyfriend, Kyle, and I hiked the John Muir Trail (A hike from Yosemite to Mt Whitney totaling about 210 miles).  We had planned to be hiking precisely during Father’s Day.  I had told my father about the trip and even asked for a bit of financial help to get only the best of the best equipment to help us survive (To which he told me not to hike and that I could die and that he could not possibly support me in my endeavors).  Unconsciously I feel this trip coinciding with such an affecting holiday was not a coincidence at all…  Kyle and I both struggled with feeling truly LOVED by our fathers and had spoken about it often.  People asked me constantly why I would do something like the John Muir Trail when I was not a hiker at all.  I felt that my only answer was that I would follow Kyle to the ends of the earth and back… but after having had a year to delve into the depths of myself and my residual anger… I realized that I was looking to prove something to my father.  That in this hike I would show my father that I could do something that he himself did not have the courage or the strength to do.  I had to show him that I could do the unimaginable!  And I hiked 165 miles of that 210 mile hike through MISERY.

This year I had purchased the permits to hike the rest of the trail… Unfortunately a few months after not completing that hike, my boyfriend admitting to holding an unfair resentment against me, and us consequently breaking up… I realized I would have to face the trek alone.  I did not feel like this year I was ready to do that.  Perhaps next year.  But I did learn one very important lesson.  These unfair questions and resentments we have are held INSIDE US.  The moment we let them go, they cease to exist.  We are able to love again.  Are you ready to love again?

 

Tell me how you feel in the comments below!

Much Love!

-Good Girl-

47 Responses to “A Late Note to Father’s Day

  • While I was reading this post, I couldn’t help but think of my very own daughter back home in Michigan. I have been struggling with my little peanut, ever since I have moved to Newport Beach for work. My biggest fear is she will grow to resent me and the amount of time I have spent away from home… It makes my stomach sick at just the thought..!

    I’m from the mid-west (originally from Boston on the East Coast), then Detroit when I was 14, and I remember like it was yesterday, how upset I was at my father for moving the whole family and to Detroit no-less…! Who wants to move to Detroit, when they are 14 years old (I knew I didn’t)..

    Of course, as with most of us, we grow up, we better understand the things we didn’t, and in this case and to this day, my father is my hero and I understand why he did what he did, and it was all for his 3 sons (my two brothers and I), to have what he didn’t have as a young man..!! And man, did he pull through..!! My father is the most important person in my life..!!

    The only regret I have with this past fathers day is how I rushed my pops off the phone, because I was struggling so much over my daughter, I didn’t realize how much emotion(s) I was having. Which my dad that has always been there my entire life, got the short end of the stick this year…?! Sorry pops..!!

    Now, will I be able to show my little angel that I LOVE her more than LIFE itself?, and that daddy is out west working, to hopefully give her every option and opportunity she could possibly have in this life..?!

    Only time will tell, but I can say and end this post with, YOU can bet your ASS I will do everything possible in the world to make sure my little baby girl knows her dad lives for her..!! Daddy is coming home soon little girl and I am going to pepper you with kisses xoxox

    ~Michael

    • I’m sure your father understands if he is able to see that you love your daughter fully. Your daughter may not understand now, but she will grow to understand the more you show her you love her. Have no fear but continue in LOVE!

      Be there for the important things and she will remember that you were always there to support her.

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